Fortress Of Solitude

I figured out, with a sudden epiphany, that staying with the folks and not getting my own place was indeed a mistake.

I guess part of me has known that all along. I mean, I've been back in Maryland since Christmas, so what now, almost three months, and I haven't even unpacked my suitcase. Each load of laundry just goes back in, so I'm ready to bolt again.

And man am I ever. I let people convince me that it wasn't such a bad idea, not paying for rent, and when Ben failed as a prospective roommate, I just kind of settled back a little and waited for the situation to change. And when I got home from my run today, that change hit me. There was a felling of excitement I haven't felt in a long, long time. I had the house to myself. No one for me to have to a force a conversation with, no one to ask me questions I don't want to answer, no one ask me how my day was. Most importantly, there was just no one. The only sound was the occasional conversation between Jo and Jules, not something I mind in the least. And it's not like I did anything different, I just in near perfect solitude.

It's more than solitude. I like people, I like my job where I worked surrounded by people, even if for the most part I want them to leave me alone. But when I'm at home, I just want to be, not alone, because Jo's company is more than welcome, but I guess lonely is as close to what I'm thinking of as I'm going to get. And Loneliness has such a bad connotative meaning, but I love it. That's not to say I want to be lonely for the rest of my life, but, right now, there are more important people to me than the real one's I have to interact with. The people who's stories I have to tell.

Maybe I'm doomed to be a hermit, or maybe it's just my family. I don't know, I suppose I'll have to live with someone else to test that theory.

And it's also just the relapse that's occurring, and this place, those people, they only hasten it. While I'm still making good progress, and my spontaneous lying is at a minimum, though not nonexistent as it was in Pittsburgh, I'm quickly finding that before, I had wanted to kind of heal the relationship with my parents. Now, I got nothing. I really don't care, and that apathy scares me more than a little, but that's just the thing. I don't care enough to do anything about it.

Well, now I suppose I do, or at least in moving out, the by product of that might be the reversal of the relapse I feared so much.

So, on to Craigslist to look for apartments. I'm in the unfortunate position of having very little intention of sticking around here, at least in Frederick and Mount Airy, for a year, so this will be difficult, but now that I've felt this again, this solitude, I can make something work. Because now, I need to make something work. This, this just isn't working.

I'm sorry that I had to miss your Birthday, Jack, but I'm so glad I stayed home for this. Otherwise, I might not have realized it until it was too late.

Side note, Twilight came out on DVD today, and despite the mad rush of people waiting outside the Frederick Target at 8 a.m., I didn't care. I was a little perplexed at the sheer number of people who had to be there when the doors opened, and the fact that more of them were middle aged women rather than teenage girls, as I had suspected, but whatever. I suppose at least in that aspect, I'm doing ok.