He Only Eats Guitars

I may have a new favorite song.

Rapture - Blondie

I thought about putting Tom Cochrane's "Life Is A Highway", which I totally heard (what road trip isn't complete without it?), but I heard this song too, which I had, for some inconceivable reason, forgotten. I mean, listen to this song. "And out comes a man from Mars, and you try to run but he's got a gun, he shoots you dead and eats your head, and then you in the man from Mars". Thank you Blondie. Thank you so much. The only unfortunate thing was that I couldn't sing along. The list of people whose presence I will sing in, Kellie, Mike, H, Jo, Gizmo, and Rusty, does not include my mothers van, which I was, most regrettably, driving.

In order for my trip to Pittsburgh to happen, unfortunately, I had to leave Gizmo behind for the second time in a week and borrow my mother's van. This injustice was not even remotely offset by the fact that I also had my mother's credit card to pay for gas.

A few things about my mother's van. I had to drive it last week to pick Kellie and the wee ones up in Breezewood. And, for those of you don't know, I personify my car to the fullest extent of the word. Naming is only the beginning. And really, for as much driving as I do, and when I can't take Jo, it really makes the trip more enjoyable if I have someone to talk to. And Gizmo is perfect for this. And when I got behind the wheel of my mother's Toyota Sienna, I got absolutely nothing. I don't know if her car is shy, rude, or just mute, but seriously, considering I only made it half way to Pittsburgh and then had to turn around and come back to MD, it was easily the worst solo road trip of my life.

And then, on Thursday, I had to once again leave Giz behind and hit the road in the Sienna (It doesn't even have a name! It doesn't even have a gender!!!) Going to Pittsburgh wasn't too bad, because Kell and Jabigail were in the car, and I passed out for the second half anyways. But then, it was all me and the van driving around Pittsburgh.

For starters, I really miss driving in Pittsburgh. For no explicable reason, I yearn for the god awful roads, the six + way intersections, the over-enthusiastic crossing guard on Versailles (the L's are silent, it's French!) where I used to live, and most of all, I miss the the billboards. Frederick is not a billboard city.

This one (not the same exact billboard, but the same ad) is my personal favorite. It brightened my day on the way home from work every day.

And I also witnessed something that made me regret even more not having Giz with me. Something we've always wanted to see, but for some reason have never witnessed. it was getting to the point where I believed there might be some magic to it, when, in the middle of the day, I witnessed the spectacle that is the changing of the gas prices.

Never, in all my time driving, and at all hours of the day, have I seen this happen. But two days ago I saw it with my own eyes, a man in a cherry picker truck changing the prices at the Sunoco. Don't ask me why he was changing them at four in the afternoon; that seems like an awful business practice, but I saw it, and I had to share that moment with not my faithful car Gizmo, but a minivan with zero personality. It was wasted on that vehicle.

So that brings me to the return trip. For starters, I was getting sick, and driving while sick is never fun. As I stated earlier, I wasn't paying for gas, so there was little temptation to drive 55 mph to get the best possible fuel economy. I was in a hurry, so I set the cruise control to 72 and sat back and took advantage of my two other techniques for fuel efficient driving.

I would have driven Ben nuts. While I don't condone my father's driving in the middle of the road, I am a fan of cutting corners, if and only if it doesn't involve in driving in opposing traffics' lanes, regardless of if there are oncoming vehicles or not. My father has no qualms with this and it bugs the bejeebus out of me. But most of my trip is through whindy mountain roads, where I shaved .8 miles off of my 113 mile trip on the Penna Turn Pike alone simply by cutting corners. And for those of you who think .8 miles is no big deal, that's about $.07 worth of gas(be impressed with me, I did the math). And of course, when your constantly switching lanes, signaling becomes a chore which I have long since given up on. Now, If I was passing or pulling in front of someone, I would signal, but most of the time I could see not a soul in front of me nor in the rear views.

And then there's drafting, an even more efficent way to drive, albeit more dangerous. I think that rather than "If you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you" as the trucker motto for driving too close to them, it should be "If you can't see my mirrors, your risking life and limb to save the earth and money. You are my hero". These "No Zones" as we were taught in Driver's Ed, are "No Worry Zones", because all your worries melt away when you're being that fuel efficient. Mythbusters did a special on this, and while I can't remeber the numbers, you can get quite a bit more fuel economy by drafting, even at a relatively safe distance. The only way you could be getting better gas mileage is if you and your passenger were gutsy enough to climb out onto the hood of your car while driving a few feet behind a truck and attach yourself to that sucker. You could just pop the car in neutral and turn the car off, getting yourself an average of an infinite number of miles to the gallon. Be sure to make sure that you're on a long enough to trip to offset the heavy fines that come from this behavior.